When I was a kid, I would have a series of recurring dreams whenever I had a fever. One involved my mom turning into a vindictive, angry goose who chases me around corners. That has always been a family favorite. One in particular has continued into adulthood. It is a nightmare that is difficult to recall and have a hard time describing after it wakes me from sleep. I remember the emotions and feel of the dream much more than the imagery. It’s heavy. Suffocating. I feel like I’m being squeezed from all sides, like I’m trapped and unable to escape. It’s a horrible dream.
The nightmare I’m living and that dream converged a couple of nights ago while I was staying with Claire. She had fallen asleep and I’d laid down to sleep also. Without warning I felt the oppression and fear from that dream. I recognized the feelings immediately. They were familiar and daunting. I got out of the bed and went and watched over Claire, pacing my breathing and hoping the feelings would go away. I can’t explain the sudden onset, but it shook me up and seeing Claire helped calm me.
I didn’t get to see Claire today. I had a soccer game and we wanted the girls to have a break from OCH today. And the feelings from my dream found me. It started after my game ended. The girls reminded me of a task I’d been trying to accomplish since starting soccer again. When I first started playing in this league, the girls made posters out of butcher paper saying “Go Tyler Go!” Each of them held one at my first game. To her dismay Claire lost hers under the bleachers. I had been meaning to get it back. I got it back today. It brought back the flood of memories from that day when Claire was cheering for me and how she’d told Tiffany she was sad because she didn’t think I could hear her. I remembered driving home after and reassuring he that I heard her cheers for me and they made me happy. I remember reaching back behind my seat and holding her leg to encourage her. With these memories came the oppressive feelings from my dream. I’ve wrestled with them all day. And I have not been able to see Claire to help take them away. I miss her.
Today’s hardships followed a difficult farewell last night. My brother and sister-in-law, Alex and Laura, drove home to Colorado last night. Before this happened I missed my brother and wished we lived closer. This has magnified those emotions. I enjoy the time I have with my brother and wish we had more of it. We miss both of them and hope to see them again soon.
Alex and Laura left with Claire in good repair. It has continued into today. We are continuing to wean her off more meds and she is responding well. We hope the trends continue.
Thank you for your prayers and support. We hope he coming week is a good one.