When I was a kid, I would have a series of recurring dreams whenever I had a fever. One involved my mom turning into a vindictive, angry goose who chases me around corners. That has always been a family favorite. One in particular has continued into adulthood. It is a nightmare that is difficult to recall and have a hard time describing after it wakes me from sleep. I remember the emotions and feel of the dream much more than the imagery. It’s heavy. Suffocating. I feel like I’m being squeezed from all sides, like I’m trapped and unable to escape. It’s a horrible dream.
The nightmare I’m living and that dream converged a couple of nights ago while I was staying with Claire. She had fallen asleep and I’d laid down to sleep also. Without warning I felt the oppression and fear from that dream. I recognized the feelings immediately. They were familiar and daunting. I got out of the bed and went and watched over Claire, pacing my breathing and hoping the feelings would go away. I can’t explain the sudden onset, but it shook me up and seeing Claire helped calm me.
I didn’t get to see Claire today. I had a soccer game and we wanted the girls to have a break from OCH today. And the feelings from my dream found me. It started after my game ended. The girls reminded me of a task I’d been trying to accomplish since starting soccer again. When I first started playing in this league, the girls made posters out of butcher paper saying “Go Tyler Go!” Each of them held one at my first game. To her dismay Claire lost hers under the bleachers. I had been meaning to get it back. I got it back today. It brought back the flood of memories from that day when Claire was cheering for me and how she’d told Tiffany she was sad because she didn’t think I could hear her. I remembered driving home after and reassuring he that I heard her cheers for me and they made me happy. I remember reaching back behind my seat and holding her leg to encourage her. With these memories came the oppressive feelings from my dream. I’ve wrestled with them all day. And I have not been able to see Claire to help take them away. I miss her.
Today’s hardships followed a difficult farewell last night. My brother and sister-in-law, Alex and Laura, drove home to Colorado last night. Before this happened I missed my brother and wished we lived closer. This has magnified those emotions. I enjoy the time I have with my brother and wish we had more of it. We miss both of them and hope to see them again soon.
Alex and Laura left with Claire in good repair. It has continued into today. We are continuing to wean her off more meds and she is responding well. We hope the trends continue.
Thank you for your prayers and support. We hope he coming week is a good one.
Our Claire Journal 
Tyler,
You’re living a nightmare; no wonder the recuring ones from childhood come back when you don’t need them the most. It’s clear how close you are to Alex and your sisters, and how much a comfort they are to you, now, especially. Friends are a huge help, but family you’ve known forever are in a different category entirely. Your story of retrieving Claire’s poster, and of reaching back in the car on the way home when she lost it to touch her leg in reassurance made me teary–what a good father you are. I know you talk to her, touch her, tell her what she means to you. People in a coma respond to that–I know from experience! You are one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit for Claire. Your pictures of Tiffany with her make clear that she is too. You are exactly the parents she needs to get her through this. God is seeing you through, and will give you the grace you need.
Love,
Dodie
Thanks again for sharing with vulnerability. We are sad you’ve had this attack to battle in addition to the rigors of current circumstances. We will ask that the Light will overcome this darkness–that no weapon formed against you will prevail (Is. 54:17).
The goose was PMS ing. I’m sure of it.
Praying for relief and freedom from the feelings that are haunting you praying He replaces them with peace and rest. At the risk of sounding a bit odd, I envision you in the lap of our big God curled up resting-feeling and trusting the protection and reassurance of His presence, the weight of this lifted.
I hope peace fills your heart. I am so excited to hear Claire is responding well the reduction of medication! It is GOOD news! I will continue to keep you all in my prayers!
Pray the trend continues:)
I often read your posts at night when everyone has gone off to bed, the house is quiet and the TV is off. It gives me some time to better reflect on what Claire is going through.
We recently also said our goodbyes to our family members who were over visiting, it was heart breaking, I can imagine how amplified it must be in your situation.
We continue as a family, in Texas, Wisconsin and shortly Portugal, to pray for Claire’s healing and restoration especially as she is coming off her coma and preparing to go home.
I pray that your openness and vulnerability is as cathartic and healing as it is powerful for those of us watching. Sooooo many prayers continue to go up for your family. We know that sweet Claire is getting the best and most out of the care available to her. Please extend that same benefit to yourself. You carry an unimaginable load right now – be good to yourself.
Much love and blessings,
Mimi
And “thank you” Nana for your humor! I’ll chuckle all day!!!
Nana, that was hysterical… clear to see where Tyler gets his wit!
Tyler, each of your posts help to paint a picture for us, and show us the weight that every interaction & thought carries right now for you and your family. I’m praying that the painful ones will give way to joyful ones more and more as time goes on, for all of you. All 4 of your ladies are blessed to have such a loving father & husband.
Tyler and Tiffany–just another note to let you know that I check your journal everyday and we are still praying for you all.
Tyler and Tiffany,
Thank you for your daily posts and your precious little Claire, you do not know me but I follow it each day and I am glad that she is making progress slowly but surely… I pray for her healing everyday …God Bless and stay STRONG…
Ellen
I have had the exact same dreams before and know exactly what you are describing. I don’t know what you believe about demons but they are real and they are trying to attack you. They can’t harm you but they can affect your emotions and peace of mind through fear. I would encourage you to read the Word of God every day OUT LOUD. They can’t read your mind, they can only put thoughts in your mind. Whenever I would do this the demons would leave and my dreams did not bother me anymore. I also played Scripture inspired music in my room at night before I went to sleep. “Put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness..” It really works!
Glad to hear that Claire is coming off more meds. Tyler, forgive me for getting your name wrong in an earlier post. I totally didn’t even catch that. I know too many Trevors lol!
I am so sorry to hear you are having anxiety attacks. I know you didn’t come out and say that, but that is what they sound like. As a sufferer of anxiety attacks, I know exactly what you are feeling, and my heart aches for you. It is difficult to get control of those feelings when they arise, and truly with the last months events, your brain has a lot of fodder to start freaking out. I take a med called Lexapro for my anxiety, and haven’t had an attack since I started. Remember to take care of yourself too, Tyler. If these things continue and you cannot control the panic attacks, make sure you get help also. It’s not forever, but it will help you cope.
My prayers and thoughts with you and your family always,
Carly
No need to apologize Carly. Thank you for the insight and encouragement.
Tyler…thank you for your transparency during this entire process. I am sure that it is good therapy to help get these feelings out. As a reader, it is nice to know what to specifically pray about.
You guys are in our thoughts and prayer so much through out the day.
In Him,
Geri
Still praying… today for peace for you and your mind. I hope if you see Claire today it will go a long way toward helping with that.
I’m so happy to hear that she’s still responding well to coming off some of the meds and hope that before you know it she will cheering you again!
Lifting you and your family up!
Dear tyler and Tiffany:
I was so glad to read the encouraging words about Claire, that you’re being able to wean her off her medicines a little at a time. I pray for more encouraging news in the days to come.
Blessings,
Jana Kirkpatrick
Jesup, GA 31545
We bless you Tyler, that the Lord’s love and grace covers your thoughts, dreams, & emotions–that you aren’t burdened by them as you stand strong for Claire and the rest of your family. Wonderful to hear the med weaning is going well–we pray for it to continue!
Tyler,
I AM PRAYING PEACEFUL, SWEET DREAMS FOR YOU…I am so glad to hear you are going to get to go home soon. It will be good for all of you to be together in your own place. Let God hold you, Tyler…He is your Daddy and loves you so. Be Blessed!
I’m a few days behind, but I just want you to know that I believe that your dream has been and continues to be the enemy trying to steal something from you. In this case, he’s trying to steal your hope and faith that God will restore her to you. I know it’s hard to be strong during a time like this… well, actually, I can’t imagine what it’s like… but I just want to encourage you to keep your eyes on the Father, trusting in Him, and speaking that out when you feel oppressed. Speak the truth, speak what God says about Claire, and about you and your family. I’ll be praying about this for you.
I had a dream of you that same night! I text your mom the next day. On the 11th! You & Tiffany, your mom & dad and Bryanna came to my house. I hugged you all so tight it felt soooo real. You wore Jeans and a soft Black long sleeve shirt w/ snap buttons and white trim. Seemed almost cowboyish. I had to tippie toe to hug you. We wept through the hug and I said as I hugged you…”I wish I could take away all your pain.” It was one of those dreams that when you wake up you realize it must mean something.
BTW…I also had a dream of my hair falling out the night before you posted about Tiffany pulling her hair out. I went to a swim instructor for an exercise program to stop the hair loss.
So, You are always in my prayers and in my dreams. Praying and asking for God to continue giving me the dreams and hopefully give you the interpretation.
Love you!